I’ve spent hours already today trying to say the right words to express all that is on my mind. I’m just going to put it down as it comes out…❤️
I’m really struggling saying goodbye to a friend who had no idea how much she meant to me. She was one of my heroes and one of my biggest supporters personally. She encouraged me to be that one voice and to fight relentlessly for the things I believed in. There has been 1 only other person in my life that could compare. I don’t write or speak of him often because it’s easier not to, but today I am going there. These are words that are long over due…
August 1 of this year, we would have been together for 30 years. You left suddenly one day 7 years ago. My life hasn’t been the same since. In some ways, it’s been much better but other ways, I will never heal.
The first time I saw you, you almost wrecked your car staring at me… I remember it like it was yesterday. You had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I miss looking into them. You were everything I ever wanted. Everything I needed. Then you became a monster.
You hurt me every way imaginable. You held me captive physically and emotionally. You almost destroyed me. I loved you anyway. A few years after our falling out, I still wanted and needed only you. We tried again.The second time around things were different. There were parts of you I hated but I couldn’t walk away. I stayed. I held on. I believed in you.
Our family came along. You were an amazing father and husband for a short while. Your health started being a problem. The corrections made you worse. You began your self destructive ways leaving me alone to raise our children while you took pills and drank your life away alone in a room. I hated the person you became. An empty body living on addiction throwing your life away.
One day, you stopped. You fucking left me alone to raise our children. You left me in a financial mess with nothing. You left me alone to find out about your daughter you told me didn’t exist. You left me alone to face your drug dealer. You fucking left me like this yet I loved you.
Even in all of the bullshit you loved me. You looked at me like I was the only woman in the world. You loved me regardless of my faults and flaws. The least you could have done was loved me enough to let me live in peace after you left. You didn’t. The last words I said to you weren’t I love you. They were angry words. I hurt all of the time….You could have hugged me and said goodbye but you didn’t. You popped some more pills and drank your alcohol. You went Into that room and never came out. I hate you for that. I couldn’t save you. You couldn’t stop. What a mess.
I’ve lived for 7 years without you. As miserable as things were, I wish you could see our beautiful children. I wish you could see the great men our sons have become and the beautiful, amazing young ladies we have. I wish for many things but the thing I wish for the most, would be for you to let your children know that you loved them more than your addictions.
Our children don’t know that you loved them. They barely remember you but the memories they do have aren’t pretty. They are memories of of a father who drank himself away in a room separated from our lives. How dare you do that to them. To me. You didn’t even say goodbye. I loved you anyway. I still do. I miss the way you looked at me. I miss football Sundays. I miss it all – yet I hate you still.
I wish your last days would have ended different than they did. I’m finally at peace knowing you aren’t suffering anymore. I’m at peace knowing you can’t destroy yourself anymore…The least you could have done was say goodbye.