As I lay in bed this morning listening to the world wake up, I heard the not so quiet whispers of voices and footsteps running through the house. I think brought me to tears. I am so very blessed.
I am a woman who was told I would never bear children at the young age of 17. Over the next year’s, I lost 4 pregnancies 5 babies. At the age of 25 I lost my last baby right before my birthday. As a woman, I felt damaged, broken and less than… I was devastated. I didn’t feel worthy of being loved by a man who was entitled to have the family he wanted. I felt like a failure. The desire to have a family never went away.
We were presented with an opportunity to adopt a baby girl through friends of my aunt. The birthmother was Korean. I took her to doctors appointments etc.. everything started off fine, but then the greed set it in. I wouldn’t give her money for everything she wanted and she didn’t want to work through our attorney. However, she still insisted she was placing with us even though it wasn’t ideal financially in her eyes. I didn’t and don’t believe in ” buying a child.”
It just so happened that my sister in law worked for IHC in billing. Dieps due date was anytime but she was checking in daily. It became a week past her due date and I was getting anxious and concerned. I stopped getting the daily calls. My sister in law had been asking me almost daily if I had heard anything from Diep, I thought nothing of it at the time because everyone was waiting and anxious for us to finally have a child. After another 4 days and nothing. No calls. No announcement. No rushing to the hospital, I knew in my heart she was gone, with my baby girl that apparently wasn’t mine. I didn’t speak the words outloud, but I knew in my heart.
My husband and I went to Sunday dinner as we did every week to his mothers house where the whole family gathered. Once again, my sister in law asked me if there was any news. I replied with no, nothing at all. Then Lori dropped the bomb. Right in front of everyone she told us that she had been asking because about 2 weeks previously a bill with my name and insurance company had come through her desk for processing. It was a bill for labor and delivery of baby girl… I was stunned, hurt and angry. How could she not tell me?! I felt used and betrayed. I felt like I lost another baby all over again only this time, everyone knew but us, the parents. The whole family knew but didn’t know how to handle it. I knew that they didn’t want to hurt us. I think they were hoping things would work out. When I was so excited, (even though reserved and worried internally) talking about the day we got to bring her home, Lori couldn’t keep the secret any longer. That day will stand out in my mind forever. I was once again damaged,broken and hurt beyond belief. I was angry with the family for keeping the secret although they hurt too and didn’t know what to do.
I was angry with God. How could he let this happen? I was angry at Diep. She took our money. She used us. She asked me to go into the appointments with her. I saw my baby. I felt her. I was a part of it and they were both a part of me. I felt like the world stopped and collapsed on top of me. I got more and more angry especially with God. Why did I have to be so fucked up? Why did I spend so much time living when I was so worthless? Why did I deserve to live a life being mistreated, abused and broken? Why was I even here?
Time passed and life became a little more stable. We grew up. We had goals. We were happy. My husband and I had friends who were adopting. My husband asked what I thought about the idea. I was totally against it. I didn’t know if I could love someone elses child the same and I didn’t want to relive what had happened to us once before. Over time, I softened my heart and decided to go with adoption. We weren’t wealthy, we lived pay check to pay check like so many others. Who would choose us to be parents of their child? I was really skeptical yet still hopeful. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to meet a woman, introduce myself and say “hi, I’m Tisha and I want your baby. I struggled with the idea. Anyone who thinks adoption is the easy way to have a child, is very uneducated. In October of 2000 we became parents to a beautiful baby boy. In 2005, we were blessed with 5 more children. Six kids under the age 4 at one time. We adopted them all.
I know everyone loves their children. They are our worlds but I am especially blessed. I have 8 beautiful amazing children. None of which are biologically mine yet they are most definitely in the place they should be. The not so quiet whispers and footsteps running through the house mean more to me than any words could ever describe. I am blessed beyond measure and there isn’t a day that I don’t thank the big guy for allowing me the honor of being a mother.
Every chance you get, remember no matter what problems we face, we are Indeed blessed beyond measure. Time to be grateful and quit taking advantage. Life is a beautiful gift. ❤️
More love. Less hate. H