It’s the most important day of the year for me. It’s bitter sweet and very emotional. As a woman who lost 5 precious, sweet babies it’s a day that can be a reminder of a painful past that I still battle and relive on a regular basis. I have gotten to a place where I no longer mourn the loss of my children outwardly but it’s still there tucked deep in inside of my fragile heart, in a place that can never be accessed or altered by anything but my own mind.
In a way that most could never understand, I am grateful that I didn’t have them during the times in my life where I would not have been such a great mom. I wasn’t good to myself. I was in a place in life that I couldn’t get out of. I never learned what a healthy relationship was, I didn’t understand that life was beautiful and that people who loved you, weren’t supposed to hurt you. Then there was my best friend. Alcohol. I believe that I would have stopped drinking if I had a child but I don’t know that for certain. As a highly functional alcoholic, who is to say what would have been.
The one thing that I am certain of is this; I only saw one of my precious children at his birth. It was a moment in time that will be forever imprinted on my heart. I think of him and wonder what he would be like. Would be tall like his father? Would he be happy? Would he have been proud to say I was his mother? I wonder. I allow myself to open that spot one time a year. I celebrate them, mourn them and think of each one and who’d they be today. At the end of that special day, I tell them each that I love them and put them back in the special place I have made just for them and gently tuck it away again until the next year.
For each of you who are mothers, you are incredible, beautiful women. You are my heroes and inspiration. You are what holds our world together. We are fierce warriors and soldiers. We are babysitters, maids, chauffeurs, nurses, chefs, the fixers of hurt feelings and broken hearts. We are referees, guards and protectors of the most precious, beautiful gifts in this life. We are the keepers of the future. We are mothers.
For those of you who can’t be mothers biologically, there are many other motherly experiences to be had which you may not even recognize. You are the neighbors kids special friend. You are kind and compassionate and offer a special place as an outside support and advice giver. You are somebody’s mentor and hero. You are someones best friend. You are just as important as any other woman who is a mother. You are also responsible for shaping and teaching the world to be a better place. You are not ” less than” in any way because you can’t bear a child. You are perfectly imperfect and your role in this life is so very important.
We help others heal through our sorrows, battles and experiences. Most importantly, you share with the world your beautiful, heartbroken souls. You are a blessing. Never take negative stock in that part of your life…you are an amazing, kind, gentle warrior who battles along side of those who need you so much! As mothers we look to you to help lessen our load. We appreciate you for being our sounding boards and rescuers when we need to take a breath. We are all sisters who together, keep this place in check. I hope that for those of you who get lost in that sad place, you will step back and see that you help the rest of raise these precious little beings. We each have our own paths to go down. If you are meant to be a mother, step mother, or adoptive mother, your time will come. Until then, keep sharing your beautiful self with the world. You never know who you are impacting. You don’t have to bear a child to be a mother figure. I finally learned that myself and when I did, the pieces that were missing in my life appeared. Never say never. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t dwell on something you can’t control. You are never ” less than” in any way. 💜
Happy Mother’s Day 💜
More love. Less hate. It’s what makes the world go around. H