As the night winds down I can hear the sounds of the busy day slowly turning into the quiet, stillness of the night. As I think back on the days events, I ponder my therapy session today. My therapist and I discussed many things about the past week. There were many defining moments for me last week.
I went to my fathers house to help clean it out. While I was there I cleaned out some shit that has been really weighing on my mind. I realized without a doubt that he has never accepted me and I was good with that because he’s gone and can’t hurt me anymore. He did so much emotional damage to me that I don’t know if I will ever forgive or forget his actions. Time heals all wounds physically but the mind is a different story. I do know however, that I am finally free and at peace that he is forever gone not just in my heart. I’m hopeful that I will be able to move on in every way that has been holding me back concerning him.
I came to terms with my current situation. There are some things that I can control and others I can’t. I will never be able to be totally in control of all my past. I have to contain it and keep watch over it and maintain it to the best of my ability. Putting things on shelf for periods of time is great but as long as I keep ignoring them and don’t face them I will be enabling them to dictate my life. The past and the now have become intertwined into one big, dark scary place inside of me and I live in a grey area filled with bad dreams, triggers and outwardly seeming irrational behavior. I know that I am hard to live with and sometimes hard to love but I am doing the best I can to be someones everything in the future.
I want to feel unconditional love and be in a place where I am not looking over my shoulder and trust that I won’t be hurt again. I want to love someone unconditionally and be free and feel protected and safe. I want someone who is proud of me and will love me even on my darkest, ugliest days. Someone who won’t hold things against me or turn them on me, things that I can’t control. I need to be with someone who won’t tell the whole world all of my downfalls, keep private affairs between us and at home where they belong. Someone who will respect me and my life be it good or bad. I just to be important enough to someone that I will never again have to second guess where I stand with the life decisions I have made.
Just like my hair color, I can keep changing it but I am still the same person inside. I can change things as much as I want but ultimately all I am doing is trying to mask who I really am. Trying on different colors and personalities doesn’t fix my problems. I have to face them and conquer them fiercely now because eventually I will have tried on every color and I will still be the same person underneath.
I have realized that some people don’t have the ability to show love in a way that most people want to be loved and appreciated. They are only capable of behaving like the things that were instilled in their lives. Some people just don’t have the ability to change and never will. That is a fact which I have lived with much of my life. I tried so hard to break the cycle that I got sucked in like a whirlwind while I was watching it unfold and didn’t recognize it until the storm was out of control destroying everything in it’s path. Including myself.
This past week I fully came to the understanding and realization inside of myself that in fact a month ago, I almost died by my own hand. I’m feeling the actual full trauma to myself and the people I care about the most in my life. For the first time ever I feel regret for my own actions. I feel sorrow and shame. I feel weak and unworthy of trust. A consequence that I have to pay. There are some pills that are hard to swallow… Time for me to face the music and move forward, leaving the past behind me instead of always walking backward, being sucked into this tangled mess I have allowed myself to get stuck in.
I will always believe in hope for the better and continue to love every person around me, regardless of their past choices. I will continue to believe that people are good and each important with a special purpose in this life. I will most certainly continue to see the beauty around me in this life and appreciate it. I will also learn to love myself in the same ways that I love others. Not just externally but internally where it counts the most. I will learn and accept that I have purpose, I am important, I am loved and I am worth all of the above. So are each of you.
Dream big. Shoot for the stars and believe in yourself. This is your story write it the way you want it to be told. Make mistakes and learn from them. Most importantly remember that you are never alone and anything worth having is worth the fight. Never give up on yourself and fight like hell to live in this beautiful world around us in a way you will never regret. 💜
More love. Less hate. H