My battle wages on. Today has been a living hell inside of my head. Add the extra pounds I have put on from my meds, along with other issues added to my plate, I am left feeling totally fucked. I just can’t hang anymore. I’m frustrated, stressed out and angry. I’m carrying alot of anger inside today.
Why can’t I just live a normal life? I cut almost every stressor there is. The stuff I can’t control, I workout through running and other exercise. I’m getting to a dangerous point again. I can feel it. I’m trying to stop it but there’s parts I have no control over. Leaving me stuck in a dark ugly place trapped like a wild animal in my fucked up head.
I’m surrounded by people who are supposed to be supporting me and helping me and all I get is shit and isolation. I’m a totally useless, empty body that isn’t worth a damn thing. I’m at a point where I want to drink and disappear into my own happy world where nothing matters and the pain and ugliness disappear.
The storylines around here keep changing with Jeff and the kids; all the while acting like I am some kind of raving lunatic. I’m not. Everyone wonders why I am in the mess I am in. There are very defining things that caused me to want to check out. Everyone in this house is in denial of the truth. I’m not crazy. I’m not schizophrenic none of what has been portrayed behind my back. I tried to kill myself. There are consequences for that. I get it. Talking untruths about me or the situation is not going to change the facts. Some days, I ponder the “why am I still here” question. That is a terrible thought…but keeping it real it’s the truth.
Today in all of my infinite wisdom, I went to the house alone. That wasn’t the wisest choice I could have made. I’ve been there once for 2 minutes with all of the children..ran right back out. Today I went alone. The longest hour of my life. The things I experienced were undescribable. I felt trapped and suffocated. I was experiencing live PTSD. Nothing like the night time stuff. This was everything all at once. I don’t know that I will ever experience that again. I hope not. Todays experience was more than one brain should ever have to handle. I can’t imagine what our soldiers go through. Today’s events can’t even compare to war but try telling my mind that- the war wages inside of me every day.
As I walked into the house I started shaking. I went through the kitchen and came to a fork in the road. Do I head into the bedroom or do I go into the living room? I have a feeling it wouldn’t have changed anything, but I went into the bedroom first. I saw the mess. The bed was in total disarray. The mattress where I fell and gashed my eye was pushed off to one side. At that point I started hyperventilating. I tried to continue scanning the mess around the room in general as I backed out and ran but all I could see was a blurry whirlwind spinning out of control mixed with flashes of memories from every trauma in my life. It seemed like hours to get those thoughts aligned and stopped. When the trauma of the suicide attempt appeared, I couldn’t see anything or hear anything. I felt it though-as if it was happening right then all over again.
Once I realized that I was no longer in the bedroom I laid down to rest on the couch. Another mistake. I saw bits and pieces of them trying to talk to me. I caught glympses of being carried out into the ambulance, my feet being drug underneath me backward. I saw quick pics of TJ and Jeff. I heard the screaming and crying of the other kids. . . I heard and felt myself gurgling… I panicked. Stumbled to find my keys and phone. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t get the hell out of there fast enough.
After spending ten minutes trying lock the door and leave, I left. I was shaking so bad I almost couldn’t drive. The thoughts and sounds overwhelming me. I’m all for facing things but today was not the day to do this alone. I know eventually things will calm down. I have to take control in a healthy manner. I have to fight back instead of letting life consume me.
I’m worth it. YOU are worth it. Never quit believing in hope and the future. The past doesn’t have to dictate the now or the future. 💜
More Love. Less Hate. H