Last night someone asked me who the hell I think I am. So, I’m sharing my micro novel. I put alot of thought into sharing this. I decided to keep it real. That’s how I roll. ❤️
Who the hell am I?
Let me tell you about me…..
I was born into this world fighting to survive.
I’m the little girl who grew up with nothing. My mother would pretend to be angry and send us to bed without dinner because we had nothing to eat. More time than not, we had no electricity or heat.
I’m the Child who was seen and not heard.
I’m the Child who tried to be perfect. I wasn’t enough.
I’m the 8 year old who raised my family until I was 17. I never did good enough.
I’m the pre-teen who was accused of doing bad things. I got punished for things I didn’t do.
I’m the teen who started partying because I got punished for it anyway. May as well fit the bill.
I’m the 16 year old who went to work to feel better about myself. I was still not enough.
I’m the 17 who got pregnant and was labeled the family tramp. It didn’t matter that I almost died and would never bear children… I was just trash. I ruined the family name.
I’m the 18 who got married right after my birthday because I could.
I’m the 19 who thought things would get better.
I’m the 20 who was afraid of all people. I was chocked with a dog collar and had cigarettes stuck to my face to make me ugly.
I’m the 21 who finally had enough and ran away to start over. 3 years looking over my shoulder.
I’m the 24 who decided to try life again…only to get pregnant by an act of God then beaten and left to die. Having to be identified by my parents. Still I fought to live.
I’m the 25 who believed in the good in people and went back to#1. We found friendship and built trust. Not before being passed to another because he was more important than I.
I’m the 27 who moved home to take care of family because Mom almost died.
I’m the 29 who said no more. I wanted to really live and be happy. I stopped drinking. Found religion and a higher power that helped me make it through this life.
I’m the 31 who finally gave it all to God and asked to be a mother. My first son was born that year. Adoption was a the most wonderful gift I ever experienced. I learned the power of prayer and pure love.
I’m the 33 who wanted to pay back my creator for allowing me to be a mother. I was mom to 17 kids over the next 2 years.
I’m the 36 who agreed to be mom to 6 kids under the age of 4. My forever family ❤️
I’m the 40 who was suddenly left alone with 6 kids expecting me to make life better and take care of them. I had to be mom and dad.
I’m the 41 who made it through the storm. I was doing it. Alone. We were happy and healthy. Our needs were met.
I’m the 42 who started living again. Then slowly regressed. I held on and kept trying because I had to be the problem. Nobody gets handed this stuff all of the time. I was the problem in my own mind.
I’m the 46 who finally cracked. I couldn’t take anymore. My whole life finally came crashing down. No more being tough and handling it. I crashed and burned.
I’m the 47 who found my way back. Stronger than I ever was.
I’m the 48 who thought it was time to end it all and almost succeeded.
I’m also the 48 who said I am taking my life back. I have wasted too much time.
During all of the above years, I took care of others. I stood and was a voice when needed. I fed and clothed the poor. I built others up. I saved lives. I Gave people a chance regardless of the past. I saw the good. I always believed in hope and love and a better tomorrow. The darkest ugliest days, I worked to serve others even harder. I have devoted my every extra moment to others because I believe nobody should ever feel those things and be in those places that I have been. If given the opportunity to do it all again, no way. I have not one regret for any of the above because considering the circumstances, I turned out pretty damn good. It’s all made me who I am.
I’m the 48 who has had a lifetime of crap. I have every reason to hate and be bitter. I’m not.
The next time someone asks me who I think I am this will be my response:
I’m the person who still sees good in the ugly person you are.
I’m the person who will pick you up after you have trashed others.
I’m the person who will cheer you on from the sidelines when nobody else will.
I’m the person who still believes in hope, and love and a better tomorrow.
That’s who hell I am.