Things have been pretty chaotic but I think I am back on track again. Today I want to share some thoughts are pretty personal. I am hoping they come out onto the screen in a way that you can follow. There’s so much in this head sometimes I jump around or speak in half sentences. Hopefully today they maintain order.
I still have many days that I really struggle to feel “normal” My normal anyway. I have been taking the time to look for the positives in my life that have manifested themselves since my falling out in June. There has been much good that has come from that ugly experience.
This morning I had to take Pashton to the dentist. He wanted his big brother to take him. At first I was curious why that was. He pushed so hard that I was actually brought to tears. What the hell? Am I that big of a loser? Have I not done enough to prove they can count on me and trust me? In all of this chaos in my mind, A and P had both expressed concern about me being home alone today. So much in fact, that Ahmia cried and begged to stay home with me. I sent her off to school crying with a note asking they let her call home at lunch to check in on me. Pashton was adamant that TJ go with us. My mind was spinning out of control, only stopping on occasion to beat myself up. Not a great way to start the day.
I finally got my day started. I got Pashton checked in and sent back with TJ at his side. While sitting there the thought occurred to me that this was actually pretty cool and no matter how you view it, this had happened because of my issue. As I was mulling over it, I realized that my children have learned to depend and trust in each other. They may have been pushed into it, but after thinking about it for a while this is so cool! It isn’t about my short comings at all.
They have created the kind of bond that I have always wanted for them. They know order. They know they have someone who will protect them and care for them when they are afraid. They know that they are loved. They know without one doubt that their family will always be there regardless of any other factor. I have taught them from the beginning that family will have your back when no one else will. What I didn’t see happening was them learning it first hand. Today it became clear. My words had come to light. Not just more quotes and phrases that someday they would understand. They get it! Freaking awesome.
As backward as it may sound, my crashing brought my kids together as a whole. One unit. I can hear it and see it very clearly now that I have thought about it. They lean on each other for the smallest things that are in reality really important to them. For instance, when it comes to meal time in the morning they ask for Melissas help getting their stuff. She always is aware of what the others like and want. She is a great mother figure. She keeps everyone on schedule. If we need something from the store, TJ is the go to guy. He remembers things and will stop to get them. He also likes excuses to drive the truck. TJ is also the protector of the family in every way. Nobody messes with the Ross/Smith gang. Zerric is the guy that listens to everyone’s worries, problems and secrets. He gives great advice and is empathetic. He loves talking about music and books. James is the family funny bone. He’s the go to guy when you want someone to get a little rowdy and wild. He likes to make people smile. He’s also the daredevil of the family. He will try anything once. Crystal is the female protector. She is after all a giant for her 13 years. She is the perfect walk home from school companion especially on the days there are others not being very nice. She also like TJ, speaks her mind and won’t allow others to walk on her family. She is also very kind hearted and brings things down to the younger kids level so they can relate and understand. Tyson is the go to guy when you want to jump on the tramp, shoot some hoops watch cartoons or play video games. He always tells you how it is and says he doesn’t like hugs but is always secretly giving them. Pashton is our mini TJ. He’s always giving hugs and saying I love you. He’s the go to guy when you just don’t want to be alone or need to feel better. He’s also the best partner in crime one could ask for. He, James and Tyson are all little mischievous suckers. They love teaming up and teasing people or scaring the pants off of you. Last but not least, is miss Ahmia. She is the family helper. Most of the time, she will stop and help anyone do anything no matter what she is doing. She’s the family cheerleader and always shares positive compliments to the others. Like the other girls she is very motherly and although obnoxious sometimes, she tries to take care of everyone. Our little bouncy bubble.
All of them collectively have had to grow up and learn how to take care of me in certain situations. They know when my brain isn’t working right and I need meds. They know what to do if I have a seizure. They are all aware that sometimes my mind is very fragile and just needs to take a break. What an awesome, well rounded circle. I am amazed at the team they can suddenly form. Proof that there is positive in every negative. I’m not the problem but the reason they are such a great team.
Today I learned that I need to quit worrying about what I am doing wrong and accept that I am enough. After all, I have helped create A General, Mary Poppins, A Sensitive Scholar/Wiseman, The Joker, A Gentle Giant, A Basketball Player who always has time to share a hug, A Teddy bear and A Florence Nightingale. Who could ask for more?
More Love. Less Hate. H