We are all tested in this life. Some more than others. I seem to have been put on the road that is washed out and straight uphill. The ruts in my road are very deceiving. They are the kind that appear to be little potholes but when you step in them, they drop into a bottomless pit that seems so deep you will never see daylight again. Yep. That’s my road. I often wonder where I have it inside of myself to survive falls like this and have the ability to come out essentially unscathed. Physically at least.
The past two weeks once again I have been at the bottom of an endless hole. There isn’t much this author hasn’t seen in my life. There was only one thing left on the list and Tuesday, I found myself right smack in the middle of a person’s nightmare that one should never have to face. Last of the list. This would never happen to me. Obviously, I wasn’t watching the road. I fell right into that shit. I’m not sure how I am going to get out of this one but, I will. Some how. Some way. I will make it through this.
I found myself free falling at light speed. Not being able to catch my breath or find anything to grab on to. I immediately prepared to hit rock bottom and sink into the abyss waiting to pull me under. The scenario that waits to play out has the kind of agenda that has no good ending. Instantly my thoughts to turned to drinking, self harm and putting my mind on pause permanently for a while. I had enough rationale left to say, slow down we’ve got this. Quite frankly, I wasn’t buying that shit. My world was caving in at record speed.
As of today, I have made it through the week in one piece, no relapsing, no self harm ( other than internally) and my mind hasn’t shut down. I am maintaining. However, the battle has just begun. The coming,days, weeks and months are rough terrain. I’m hopeful that I will keep my composier and have the ability to think clearly.
Remember that you are only human. There aren’t always right answers. Doing the best we are capable of is good enough and the rest will fall into place, good, bad or ugly. I hope that you each realize how important you are. Give yourself some credit. Self love….if I can do this, so can you. ❤️
More Love. Less Hate. H