The insights on my mind this morning are rather sarcastic. Yep. I’m going to go there. 😉
I get up every morning between 5 & 6 a.m. usually so I can start the “good morning I’m here to nag you to death routine.” When I signed up for this mom job, I didn’t read the following fine print…
Upon being accepted for this position you are selling your soul. For the rest of your earthly days in this role, you will become the epitome of the term nagging horse. To define;
1. A woman called Mom who doesn’t quit yelling or bitching until her offspring are adults.
2. A woman who was once a beautiful, amazing, thin, always put together creature, finds an extra 30 pounds attached to her ass that showed up one day and won’t leave. Thus, resulting in a wild, green eyed monster that will eat anyone in her path for breakfast.
3. You will find yourself living in a wild jungle, not even being able to stop and pee without having to look over your shoulder for those obnoxious little ankle biters, that just can’t rest until you are totally trashed.
4. You can forget about long, peaceful baths, in the quiet with some music, taking that much needed break, as the bathroom is a family room as long as you are in it.
5. The term “Mom” refers to the person who willingly, signed up to be the maid, the nanny, the chauffeur, the laundry lady, the grocery queen, the jack of all trades, the daycare provider,the family nurse, the tutor, and the Queen Bee of the castle. You’re also the “Negotiator”, The “Terminator” and The “Enforcer” ( without pay of course, no matter long you prepared to audition for the role.)
6. The title”mom” has many names. Mom, mommy, mama, mother, meanie, all of which refer to YOU. Especially when you are in public and your child is dancing around like they’re doing the potty dance, screaming at the top of their lungs in a blood curdling voice.
7. Food hoarding becomes a “closet thing”. Because, you will stoop to that level just to have 5 minutes alone with that chocolate bar to feel better.
8. Gone are the days of hanging out with friends, because technology has made it so our kids can hunt us down no matter where we hide. Damn cell phones. You can run but you can’t hide.
9. Dad’s will use your name as a cop out. In fact, you’ll be the bad cop all of the time, no doubt, cuz dad’s don’t qualify for the mom job. They were smart enough not to go there.
10. Your children will act like wild, deranged animals if they don’t have a constant supply flow of food. Guard your neighbors catefully if the kids are hungry. They will bite.
11. Your dinner table will be the place where private parts are referenced to and as, food items. Nothing like keeping sex education at home. Great dinner conversation.
12. Your bathroom floor, will cease to exist as you know it and you will find yourself looking for the sink and running away from the toilet. The bathroom is indeed a health hazard. Enter at your own risk.
13. Whenever there’s a knock on the door, your kids WILL try to kill each to get there first, so they can tell your visitors that you aren’t dressed and sitting on the cammode.
14. Personal space becomes extinct. Those cute clothes you just had to have, won’t fit right until they are covered in dirty handprints, bugars, and slobber.
15. Wearing your food becomes a fashion statement because doing your own laundry is as big of a risk as finding the bathroom floor. Have fun trying to find the washer or the floor. They used to be there.
16. Last but not least, you will be the screaming nag, yelling at your kids to quit screaming and nagging each other.
I guess the “how to mom” manual, got lost with the “how to raise your kids” manual. I keep thinking one day I’m going to miss this, but in my own words after having a seizure one day…”8 kids? What the hell was I thinking?!!”
As true as the fine print above is, I wouldn’t change a thing. ❤️
More Love. Less Hate. H