I try to think about and see all of the beauty that surrounds us.
However, lately I can’t seem to see it even though it’s right in front of me. What an ugly thought and even uglier feeling. Unfortunately, it’s my reality right now.
Sitting here this morning, I have been trying to take part in the beauty of listening to the world wake up.
I usually love this part of the day but I am again slowly losing the ability to see or hear anything in the silence where there’s so much to be heard. There’s nothing but loud chaos and ugly thoughts. A sincere desire to close anyone and anything out. I just want silence.
There are no more brilliant shades of pinks and oranges slowly lighting up the morning sky, adding bits of blue as time quickly passes. No more soft, gradual sounds bringing the day to life. The babys crying makes me want to bash my head into the wall. I wish the noise would come to an abrupt halt so I could think for a damn minute. Just fucking be quiet. Is it that too much to ask? Obviously so.
Those close to me don’t give a shit about the crushing weight they are slowly suffocating me with as they pile more on with every breath I take.
When is it going to be enough? I’m surrounded by ignorant, thoughtless humans who don’t care about who they disrespect or hurt. In our house it’s “trendy” to dog and disrespect each of the other family members as much as humanly possible to anyone who will listen. Privacy is a primitive, unacceptable language in this space. Respect is a word that doesn’t exist. How can it coexist within walls that only know ugly demeaning trash? I’m about to blow my cork in a manner that nobody should soon forget. However, nobody would notice or a give a shit because it’s not about them. Why waste the time trying to fight for air or being heard?
Am I over reacting?
To those looking in from the outside, I’m sure I am. The reality? I am not. I have held my tongue, suppressed feelings, words and been walked over time and again just to keep the peace while building pressure and fighting to live every damn day. I am tired. I want to be heard. Just once, I would like someone else to take responsibility for their share of any of the ugly that has involved me. I have always been the I’m sorry person. It’s all my fault…I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry dammit! The reality? I am not sorry for being who I am.
I don’t need to take responsibility for others actions and words.
I am entitled to be who I am. I’m not broken, not crazy, not someone’s project or anything of the sort. I’m simply lost in a lifetime of crap that finally got the best of me. I can’t stand the sight of myself or what I have become. I have to depend on others. I have to share all of my crap so I can be babysat. I feel transparent and useless like all of my crap just eeks out for the world to see. That’s more than enough self destruction and negativity. I don’t need to take responsibility for the rest of the trash that I didn’t do. I have to stop and realize that those who have hurt me made the choice to do so. I didn’t give them permission. I know this all too well but it’s easier said than done. I’m still the one that takes it all on my shoulders. Why can’t I stop?
The rage inside.
There is a burning, red hot, rage inside of me. I can picture throwing blows with people. I have to really fight to hold my tongue. People and places scare me because I am afraid of my words and behavior. I threatened to kick my 17 and her child out because she refused to be honest and take responsibility. I actually said that I that hated them both. Not true, but I said the words. Those hateful things can’t be taken back. It saddens me to think that I lost control and am so full of anger and hate. I’m sorry excuse for a human sometimes.
Suicide watch again.
All of the negative, gray, ugly thoughts are consuming me. I have never been enough. Will never be enough. I have fought to be loved. I have begged to be heard and understood. I have survived more crap than one could ever imagine so when the pile gets deeper, I sink below the basement. The thoughts of wanting to cave in and quit won’t subside yet part of me is still fighting to live. I have actually been afraid of myself for a couple of weeks. This is not a way to live. It’s terrible feeling this way and I would sell my soul to be able to find solace and peace within myself. I would love to just step out of all this ugly and start living not existing.
Fighting to live.
I don’t want to be a shell with nothing inside. I have to fight every day just to stay alive. I wish those demons would go away instead of encouraging me to give in. I know it’s not the answer but if I could get some permanent relief internally, I could at least stop battling the ugly I see and feel. I have to check in daily to say that I am ok or not. I am full of drugs just to function. I can’t be trusted alone because I may follow through with something ugly. I hate that this is me. I hate admitting my issues, not being able to see the beautiful life I have, not living. My mind, body and heart are tired. I’m tired. Somewhere inside, I just can’t quit.
Today, I am grateful that I refuse to give up, tomorrow may be different. I may just quit. I am impulsive and out of control. I can’t see anything but ugly. I hope to see the beauty again some day soon.
More Love. Less Hate. H