Afraid of the Dark? I’m more afraid of the light.
As I sit here listening to the world wake up this morning, I came to a sudden realization. Not only am I afraid of going to sleep, but I have discovered that I am even more afraid of the daytime hours. The hours where dealing with other people is necessary but so painful and hard for me. I feel like I am an empty body walking around with all of my shit just oozing out for the world to see and judge. I know that may sound ridiculous but it’s my reality.
Gone are the days of loving to wake up and watch the sunrise and hearing the world slowly wake up. That used to be my favorite part of the day but not anymore. Those sounds mean that in a couple of short hours, I will be left alone to beat myself up for all of my downfalls and failures. As a writer, I have looked back through some old stuff and hear some of the most beautiful words roll off of the pages. I wonder when did I lose and why have I lost the ability to see this beautiful amazing world we live in?
My God, our world is filled with beautiful shades and hues of brilliant color. We are surrounded by amazing, beautiful people who all have a story to tell, if only we would stop and listen. We have natural beauty all around us and we forget to take a look around and appreciate it along with all of the other things we have been given. We forget the smile on our faces when we hear the laughter and screams of little children, the sound of a teenagers music blaring through the windows taking us back to the “good old days.” The sites and sounds we take for granted every day. At one time, I never took one second for granted. Now, I can’t even see or hear the beauty. There’s nothing there but chaos and noise. I want those things back so very bad. I’m trying to see them but I guess I am just too broken inside.
I have my own issues with people, places and things that have hurt me so bad that I can’t bear the thought of opening up or sharing anything ever again. I actually just feel dead inside. It’s easier to not feel. That doesn’t mean I don’t know those thoughts and feelings are there, what it does mean that I have lost the ability to see it.
Being in the dark and sleep are scary for me because I hate reliving the ugly night after night. Somewhere, I manage to tell myself that part is over and won’t hurt me again. During the day though? People are scary. They judge. They aren’t sincere. They don’t understand. They take advantage of all that I have held so close to my heart in this life. Quite frankly that infuriates me.
I would die to have it all back and my place back in this life. People can be so ugly. We place labels. Wear fake faces. We pretend the more we have makes us superior to others. We look down on those who have fallen and need a hand up. Is it worth it? I mean really, all I want is to be happy, feel alive, live in color and love life and people in a way that we should. I don’t ask for much, but in my world, the daylight and what it brings to my table, well, means more hurt, pain and desire to say fuck it. The world’s an ugly place in my eyes somedays. It’s easier to hide in the dark where all ones demons hide. Truth.
We are never truly alone no matter how much it feels we are. Reach out. People are listening. I am. You are an incredible, beautiful human who is important and deserves all of the beauty we’ve been given. Never forget. ♥️
More Love. Less Hate. H