I write this every year to my momma and brother in some way shape or form but this year’s is a bit different. Please bear with me. There are some tough things I need to say.
If I could talk to you mom and Cory, I have some things I would say to your face but I’m thinking you know anyway. I have to say them out loud for my own benefit.
Today, you’ve been gone for 11 years and 18 years. I have missed you so much! Mom, I’m still glad you left though because you suffered for so very long. It was hard to watch you fight every day. Brother, I know it was just your time but I have missed my best friend, protector and partner in crime. 😂 I’m sorry that our family fell apart after you left. I know that isn’t what you wanted but things happen. Everyone became so toxic to each other I finally had to cut myself off from them. It was easier not having a family.
I tried many times to make things work with dad clear up until right before he died but mom, he didn’t do anything but cause more damage and pain. Even after his death, he made it clear that I was not part of the family and I was most certainly not his daughter. I know that he hated me because I wouldn’t put up with his game playing, lying etc. but I tried. He never took care of us like a man should. Our lives weren’t easy because of his choices not ours. Unfortunately I don’t miss him one bit. I know that would be very hurtful to you but I have a lifetime of him not protecting me or the others. His shit is no longer mine to carry. He was responsible for himself. I will no longer carry the blame. He’s gone. Better for me.
The past few years, I have fallen apart. I’m very open about that. I’ve been struggling with an addiction to death and suicide. For the past 4 of 5 years I have tried to kill myself twice a year. I was sure that this year, I was finally going to succeed and be with you. I desperately wanted it. All of the health issues with my brain, lungs, tumors and personal struggle had me done in, I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was really tired.
January of last year, I was finally diagnosed right with my mental health. I started the right meds, attending groups, therapy and closed groups as well as AA for the death addiction. I wasn’t happy about it. I didn’t have any use for any of it but for some reason I really put the effort into trying because the reality is, I don’t want to die. I have a lot of life left to live. I deserve all of the good things that I have allowed to be destroyed and dictate my life along with those things that happened I will no longer own. People hurt me and took things that weren’t theirs to take. It wasn’t my fault and I have lived a lifetime of hurt, blame and disgust within myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror every day. I tried to be thin enough, pretty enough, tried being everything that another thought I should be and it has never been enough. I didn’t feel worthy. I felt ugly. That’s when the self harm started. I could control the pain.
I know it will be a conscious, daily effort to get things back and not let life consume me and I am proud that I am finally taking it all back. I have not been to the hospital once this year. That is quite accomplishment for me. Giving myself credit for that. I have discovered that although my mental health is caused by trauma and will always be something I will have to keep in check, I can do it. The darkness has turned to light momma. I am worthy of love. I deserve to be happy. I control those things. I’m going to find them. I am finding them. I have a beautiful family I can’t leave them alone. There are things I want to do for myself. I’m going to do them. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I’m fine being who I am and where I am. If that never changes, I am good with that. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I’ve got this.
I miss you, your kindness, your advice, your voice, your hugs. Your encouragement but I am staying here. I have a lot to do. Always keeping you in my heart. Merry Christmas Momma. Cory. Love and miss you like crazy! Tisha
More Love. Less Hate.